last night before bed i cut up a green apple and ate it. now see the way I cut up an apple, I end up with two half-spheres, the core a quadrangular prism, and two smaller slices. then i cut up the half spheres too and end up with slices of roughly the same size. then i salt the slices thoroughly and eat them.
then i get in bed and i read a web comic about electrocution. I'm holding back details about this web comic. then i watch law and order svu. i am for some reason very drawn to media about sexual abuse. i don't want to think much about this. i fall asleep to it. i dream. in my dream my mother is defenseless. castrated. my father and my brother are animals. I don't like my father,in this dream. he torments my mother and I am defenseless too but not as much as my mother. my mother sleeps sedated. i cut her up, the same way i cut my apples. i don't know how. i guess the spine is the apple-core. i use a small curved knife. there's no mess, no blood, the flesh completely homogenous like cold cut meat. i slice her up and eat her. you don't know why i do this.... i do it because otherwise my father will and he wil make my brother do it too. i decide that she is safer in my body and i eat all of her flesh somehow, somehow it fits inside me. my father laughs when he sees, he makes fun of me for not leaving anything for them. i tell them both that I'm going to kill myself. because i miss my mom - I thought I wouldn't miss her because she would be in me but i miss her the moment it's over, and I'm in my brother's room suddenly - my bed is there now since i don't live there anymore when i visit I sleep there.- my mother comes in and it's normal for some reason, people come back after being eaten, obviously I didn't know that, i wouldn't miss her if i knew. she talks to me and comforts me about what I did.
when I was a middle schooler secret nymphomaniac I saw something on our family computer, a google search - "having sex with daughter dream interpretation". It comforts me that at least he was disturbed enough to google it but i felt disturbed still. i guess you can't control your dreams. I'm terrified of men, deep down. I wish he was smart enough to delete that from the computer history! but it was too late for me anyways and i would not turn out normal even then. I remembered this the other day when I bought the ice cream my dad and I used to always eat together. It's not my favorite anymore but i needed to feel something i even put back on the bracelet he made.
Whenever I think about how far away I am from the woman my mother and father want me to be, i feel immense guilt. i feel an inability to detach, something both of my parents have with their parents too. it terrifies me from every angle.