I am feeling some sort of repulsion towards everything that keeps growing and it is leaving me with like nothing to do ever and nothing to look at and no one to talk to because not to sound vain (very much am(disgustingly so)) but well I am grossed out. by what I dont know. signs of "life"?maybe. i cant talk in depth with anyone due to i dont want to feel sympathy or pity (I am always expected to feel pity for some reason! Many are hungry to be pitied. ) because i just do not like how it feels ??????? I cant not view everyone else as somewhat inferior like in what sense... i dont know. maybe the need of community that they show. or the need of anything that they show. i know that what i actually dont know is the why. (dont give me shit for that... 1 i know its mean 2 you are not even supposed to read this despite it being public 3 i am not supposed to acknowledge you. 1.2 I know its mean and I know its illogical.!) (and yet i still feel like needing other people is a character flaw. this feeling does not affect me due to i work reaaallllly hard to not depend emotionally on anyone (and it isnt working probably invented brand new ways to feel validated (i did not want a new way to feel validated i wanted to not feel that at all)) but it does affect my relationships with people and therefore i guess it affects me too) I bet this is all because of some stupid shit going on in my mind thats like i love being alone why does everyone else act like theyre dying because of it. I hate to say this but probably because i was an isolated child. oh booooo fucking hoo you idiot. anyway but many people who are dying for affection were also isolated growing up. well i guess they couldnt cope with it and i could LOL. and they dare to ask for things they want like what a spoiled entitled bunch. I cant even listen to some of my favorite songs I just cant get to the feeling at the core of the song like i feel so far away from it. Tiniest hint of longing or desire (god forbid desire for a PERSON) makes me want to throw up. i know no pair of eyes in the world can look at another pair and recognize them for what they are. i feel like acting like they could is the biggest scam anyone could have ever pulled. I think a lot about what people want. I'm sorry to say I think Freud is not wrong , in more than a couple subjects. but i think we know that .I just used to like to pretend he was wrong .well he was.