God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh god!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i dont want to talk to anyone about whatever im about to say. I dont like being home because i know ill leave. i cant stand seeing my old bed and the window in my old room and the glittering wallpaper and the broken mirror that used to be mine and the palm trees and the ugly ugly beaches and the stretching fields interrupted by UGLY construction sites my old diaries my high school building my sketchbooks the days i dreamed of wearing black fur and dark lipstick looking like marla singer hanging around beautiful musicians I wanted to watch I just wanted to watch something blowing up and exploding in front of my eyes I did not want to be a part of it I wanted to follow it closely , document it, soak up its beauty, watch people admire it i wanted to glitter in its light. Nothings over but it feels that way and to be honest some things are over it's just that I lack the words for them. I used to stargaze a lot when I was small and one time my dad came home with a fucking telescope. Never knew how he got it, we barely afforded rent or food back then. We had so much trouble setting up that thing. I felt insanely happy and special. A fucking telescope. I wish I was a beautiful child. I wish I didnt have to go back to Istanbul. I wish I was something like a plant and did not feel many things. I rode on the pillion of my friends motorcycle today and i was scared out of my mind but it was of course gorgeous. I hate motorcycles. I hate speed. I want to ride in the backseat of a vehicle that is going so fast that I cry from fear. I hate the dorm room I stay in and I need to make sure everyone knows. What I need is probably more physical activity. Not walking, unless its very very cold and i can only think about how cold i am and how much id rather be inside. I have been bleeding like crazy and thinking about how that tissue has clawed its way out of my womb which is beautiful i think. I wish I could see the process up close. i wonder if there is possibly any footage of this i think not. i like when my body rejects things. im not very good at saying no. nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. what do people do after they retire ? i think i would just die. i think there are many beautiful sights one must see. but i dont like that i cant have everything i love with me at the same time. i am kind of considering killing myself but i watched a tv show recently where a kid just a little younger than me died and his mother was like sooooooooooooo sad and crying etc. i also had to go to the hospital late at night recently and witnessed a family hearing the news of a mans death and their screams are ringing in my ears still and i kind of dont want that to happen to my family. and like im going to die one day anyway. but also i just dont feel very good so theres also that. i would probably jump in front of a car if i did it but i wont do it. going to istanbul in itself is like a time-bomb-suicide already i feel. i would probably feel ok if i felt no need to belong anywhere. and if i didnt have the instinct to not let myself be too close to my family because i know either i will leave them or they will reject me sometime soon. im just trying to make it less painful for future me. I dont really want to pay for antidepressants ever again but days like this I think about it. sometimes im not even sad about anything specific but there is this pain in my chest, tightness that is only relieved by dreaming of a knife slitting through it, like my lungs are vacuum sealed and there is no other way to breathe again, i have had the same exact image in my head for years, vision of the knife allowing air into my lungs again . I want nothing from life, absolutely nothing, not one thing i dare to want