Is it ur right to complain about not getting what U need if u will not tell anyone what u need and you arent sure what u need? yes it is ur right but it makes u insufferable too. I wonder what was it in my childhood that made me so obsessed with sex. I feel like something has to happen in order for a kid to even think about that ? I did have internet access from like age 4. i know how i got where i got. but like how did it even start ? I don't actually think anything happened to me. I would remember and I can't think of anyone who would do something that started all of that. everything I did, I did on purpose with the crystal clear and mature mind of a tween. It probably was for the attention , I know myself. I wanted to be a woman already. i hated being helpless and i hated being seen as a person with a lesser mind - and i was clever , i was just young - I felt so insulted by it all, confused about getting the kid treatment and adult treatment at the same time. I wasn't really pretty. I mean, i dont know about pretty, but i wasn't cute after like age 7-8. i think i wanted to go a different route if i couldn't manage childhood. and i regretted it by 14. but that was too late to go back. 17 when I took a break from living like a woman, I had a child's body and had no desire for anything and anyone and my compulsions were rare - like not even once a month. except for one time that was bad. I was good at being young but I shouldn't have been because I had so much to do that I could not do when i was careless and braindead. but everything else was great. only thing i genuinely cared about was myself and when I got sad it was fixable quick. And i did not have any desires. For anyone. but that state did not last long and i could never induce it again after that, not to that point. It required stagnancy in my daily life and zero expectations from anyone around. Edit because I'm not making a Fourth entry for today. I think pills would be a stupid but convenient way to die. Stupid because like I feel like my last moments would be nauseous like I couldn't sleep through it I just know it. But it's the easiest way I think. I don't have a gun and I would not cut myself that deep because it just doesn't sound good like it's scary and not as impulsive as like pills or jumping off a building. Second best would be jumping off a building but only if you're certain it's high enough because you'd just be done with it. But it shouldn't be too long so you don't have any extra time to regret anything. Drowning , the idea is beautiful but it takes too long. it would take a certain type of mood to go through w/ that. And I'd need rocks. or like bricks. basically it can't be blood loss.And i would not hang myself. because My poor face. And I wouldn't starve to death or stop drinking water because prolonged pain = stupid. Well that would depend on my mood but right now that's my opinion. If I was rich I would like to be mummified and I would like to be buried with diamonds. I don't really like gold I think it's just not pretty at all like 95% of the time. I mean yellow gold. white gold is fine. I once heard a girl say she wouldn't wear silver because she didn't want to give poor energy to the universe. Maybe if my mother was a little more actively selfish in her life I mean if she did what she wanted to do and she didn't carry the bitterness of others bad decisions for her life I could grow up as a different person and I would not b a loser little kid. But that is all in the past . Well it's not because she says the opposite and she begs me to not be like her but she keeps letting people drain her leech off of her use her And i know it's not a habit you can break easily but my god I wish it was. I wonder what that other guy she wanted to marry was like.It's embarrassing to demand attention and not get it so you have to find a way to be certain you will receive what you ask for. And it has to depict you as not desperate just demanding. I don't know the line between those two. Today I was going to fake cry in order to nip an argument in the bud but it turned genuine like a minute in. Then i heard voices and thought the ceiling was moving and thought the air was moving. and then i lost my keys in my bed (I'm guessing. i havent found it yet and I can't look because i am not home ) My aunt and her husband and their kids who have been staying here 4 the past twoooo something months just left. i almost said something but it was too pathetic to say even to myself. so that's all i have to say about that.