look at its guts. I want to climb in a car hood and sleep there. I also really like when people go under the car and when theyre done they are all greasy. One time i had a friend and I was like really isolated back then , mostly my fault i believe, and like I just never encountered cool people. And this friend was cool. like she had beautiful taste in everything... music films art. She was super mature and used these big words that I didnt know. i mean i dont know a lot of big words still. well anyway she was a writer she knew. And I was 14. And I thought I was in love with her. and then I told her that. and now i look back on it I think I was crazy. but i understand why i did that. i did not know anyone my age liked cool things i was you see soooo different from my peers. then we drifted apart probably because I said that . I do wish we were still friends. Do you know whats crazy? the fact that a person can have power over another person like not with weapons or anything some people want power over others and some want to be under that persons control and they dont even need to b threatened they want to give power over to someone. Its crazy and i get why but like how do you trust anyone with that. Thats why i am so mad about god too. why do you want to obey that thang. and me why do i want to pray??? Mine is funnier too like I dont want to obey but I want to pray still. like why would it accept my prayers lol. I wouldnt if i was it. Do you eever think about cranes? not the bird like the construction thing. I love how strong those are. And you know some people worship the earth. and i fucking love the earth but i would not worship it. or i would. i was thinking about earthquakes since im terrified of those recently. but that thing doesnt know better ... its not its fault. and there is power to admire but far from everyone - i wish - but there is no way ....... i wonder if theres a perfume with Old Mascara base note. no of course not but i wish there was. Did you know my mother wasnt in love with my father when they were married? Imagine marrying someone you dont even love because your family pressures - not forces - u into it and they are all like itll be good for you you will be financially comfortable And then you wont even be financially comfortable. and she was like young as fuck she was a baby. I think a lot about how lonely she must be then and how helpless later. one time my grandparents ,fathers side, sent us a pot of food (not cooked. it was sarma) for dinner because we had nothing in the house and no money too like at all and we took the pot but guess what the power was out Because we didnt have money to pay bills . imagine if we said williams instead of bills. I didnt know why i told you that but my mom tells me about it literally all the time. i dont remember much i was young and i would not really let myself react to anything that happened around or to me. Why do people ask me for things I cant give them and noooo one ever asks for what i CAN give ? and why do i give things that i should so not be giving? promises even .......... There was someone my mother WAS in love with but her parents hated him so she just didnt get married to him and got married to my dad instead. When she is tipsy she tells me about him. How can one even know if they will be happy with someone for the next 10 20 30 years??? and at such young ages? i like the visuals of marriage but when you think about it its scary. it can be pretty but its soo scary. I know a few people whom therapy will never work for. this is because i personally think they are rottttten. im sure it will work for you though im sure youre lovely. i have been observing an ex friend up close and letting my thoughts get mean that is why i said that. month and a half until i am back to uni. cant wait to get too busy to think and walk to the subway and smoke outside the dormitory and wear my pretty coat. my dorm room gets so crazy hot even in winter i should pack my clothes according to that. I from now on am a pilgrim.