i am deeply deeply jealous of you. I want to be smart but i lack the discipline. I have to choose something to Be properly except i really really don't. i wonder where the hell you learn all those words! i soothe myself thinking there are people doing worse than me. maybe you dont soothe yourself at all. maybe i am missing something fundamental but i am not. thats not a thing. i do wish i was born to a richer family and with a stronger passport. other than that i am content.
i have missed home. i have missed being your tiny girl and i have missed your sandy air ,
salty air. i want to camp on the beach again sometime soon or in a few months. when i go back to istanbul i will take my swimsuits with me. i like listening to the dishwasher run in the middle of the night. i like listening to my mother walk around in the middle of the night. i have missed being her tiny girl. i like when people are concerned about me but i pretend i dont. i guess its just the nice thing to do. i like the attention. i like to think i am such a saintly woman. i keep losing more and more words, i need to read more, i keep losing time somehow and it's so embarrassing. having all this time and nothing to show for it.
i love spring. i wish everything was smooth forever but it already is. i am glad to be back here so soon. anywhere i go i can live forever.